Motherhood. You don’t get it, until you do it.

So here’s the thing. Before I became a mother, I had dreams.

Dreams of a perfectly fed child. Dreams of no screen-time until they were 7. Bedtimes at reasonable hours. No dessert until after dinner, and heaven forbid; the little shit would NEVER get a toy that he screamed for in the store.

I told you, these were dreams people.

The reality of it, is that when you become a mother, you do whatever the heck you can, to keep your little tiny human happy (and quiet- haha!)

I’ll buy that 22 grams of sugar Slurpie to keep my child from screaming his lungs out while I fiddle through the sales rack at Target. I’ll also grab him all kinds of toys off the shelf to play with and then stick them in random places all over the store once his attention is averted. SORRY TARGET EMPLOYEES OF AMERICA!

No shame in this mama’s game!

It’s time to confess my motherly sins of the week… so here I am to vent:

1. I let my child play with the butter knives at Chilis because I wasn’t in the mood for screaming.
2. I missed the mark on a “balanced” meal this week and fed him a microwaved hotdog.
3. When Dad got home, I ran to the bathroom because “nature was calling” but that was really a lie. In fact, I didn’t even go near the toilet I just lock myself in, to sit behind a closed door.
4. My 2-year-old can now open my iPhone, navigate to the videos, and swipe up text messages if they disturb his show. *Cringe*
5. I let him eat chocolate ice-cream before bed to keep us from having a meltdown.
6. I encouraged screen-time at brunch so me and my husband could enjoy our $50 meal in silence.
7. My child went to bed at 11’oclock three nights in a row because I didn’t have the energy to fight him.. And I secretly just wanted to lay in bed and watch ID Channel undisturbed.
8. I hid my candy on the top shelf of the pantry so I wouldn’t have to share.
9. I lied to my husband about our son needing a nap because I really wanted to go to the ice cream shop and I thought he could handle it. He couldn’t by the way and had a batshit meltdown before we even got the icecream.
10. I called the little girl who snatched a toy from my son at Sunday School, a little shit.
11. I dropped my son’s pb&j on the ground in the mall and picked it up real fast and still fed it to him.

And for all you guys judging me. Let me ask you this: have you ever fought a very strong-willed toddler? It’s not fun. It takes you back to middle school when you were bullied by the meanest, biggest bully in your grade. Makes you tuck your tail between your legs and run full speed away.

While we’re on the subject of running away: I’ve thought about it. But this part of motherhood is exhilarating and fun and if you don’t find the humor in all the little things that go wrong in your day you end up crying in the corner before breakfast is over!